Friday, 19 April 2013

Q & A with Kunt (from Kunt & The Gang)

Kunt & The Gang are responsible for You Tube hits such as: "I Sucked Off A Bloke", "My Homeless Friend", and "Sexy Kids". Google them today. Kunt anwered these questions after a long flight back from Oz. The Rebel: What for you is a perfect day? Kunt: "Get woken up by a sexy model I met the previous night noshing me off, then she goes downstairs and cooks me a full English before she clears off so I can sit and watch Judge Judy without her keeping on. It's sunny so I go down Southend, do half a bottle of Scotch with coke on the train then spend the afternoon in the arcades playing a bit of House Of The Dead. I get some chips and a Rossi. I chuck a few quid in the fruit machiness, hit the jackpot and come out 50 quid up. I have a gig in the evening that's local enough so I don't have to drive to it. At the gig everyone really likes it apart from one person who has the longest night of their entire life and seeing their misery sort of makes the night better for everyone else. After the gig I'm signing some bird's knockers when I get approached by a sexy model, etc., etc." The Rebel: Do you believe in love at firt sight? Kunt: "No. I loved Carol Vordeman for over 20 years but I didn't love her at first sight, in fact when I initially saw her in the 80s I thought she was a bit drab and a bit of a smart arse. I wasn't even remotely interested in chucking one up her, but after getting to know her by seeing her every day on Countdown I realised I was falling in love. When Carol left Countdown I went back to self-harming but don't worry, when she got replaced by the younger, fitter and blonder Rachel Riley I transferred my affection on to her and I have loved her ever since. It's not a deep love like I had for Carol but maybe it will develop in time. It could probably still be described as lust at the moment, as every time I see Rachel I get a little drop of pre-cum emerge from my jap's eye." The Rebel: I like your song about Jimmy Saville. Did you ever write to Jim'll fix it when you were a youngster? What would have made your childhood happier? Kunt: "Thank you. When i was a kid I did write To Jim'll Fix It. I asked him if he could fix it for my uncle to stop fingering me up his shed. I realise now if Jim had read it I could have just exacerbated the situation." The Rebel: One of your song seems inspired by Gertcha by Chas & Dave. Who would you rather have had as a dad - Chas or Dave? Kunt: "I think you'll find that any resemblance between my song Fucksticks and Chas and Dave's Gertcha is just a massive coincidence... As regards picking between them as my dad, I couldn't. As a compromise could they both be my dads? In a '3 Men And A Baby' way as opposed to a gay couple. I am not being homophobic, I just worry a large portion of their fanbase would be alienated by the thought of them going home together and bumming off." The Rebel: If you were given the money and some cameramen etc what kind of movie would you make if left to your own devices (e.g A rom com,an action thriller,) Kunt: "I am writing my film as we speak. It's a musical, called 'I Swear'. Here's my logline: Potty-mouthed minor internet hit singer Kunt returns to his hometown to find swearing has been banned. Can he help overthrow the censor Nazis and bring the fucking feelgood factor back to Basildon? I see it being like Footloose with Tourette's. I just need someone to fund the cunt! The Rebel: Do you think you're likely to get more right wing or more religious as you get older? Kunt:"I don't think I will get any more right wing as I get older, that normally only happens to comedians that make a shedload of cash and I have found the name of my act is a bit of a glass ceiling. I can only assume it's the 'gang' bit, as gangs have a terrible reputation since Gary Glitter's arrest. As for religion, I am already more religious than when I started after I found proof of divine existence one day when I was checking under my knackers. I wrote a song about it called 'God's Stitches' which features on my Christmas album 'Kunt and the Gang Kiss You Under The Camel Toe'. The Rebel: To what extent are you a socialist? Kunt: "To some extent. Socialism is a nice idea if everyone is playing by the same rules. If I can wheel out a shit 5-a-side analogy; you might turn up wearing no shinpads, as might 8 other blokes but it only takes one person in shinpads to fuck it up, and before you know it half the people start turning up in them and the game is much harder and less friendly." The Rebel: What meals can you cook? Do you have a specialty dish that you impress your dates with? Kunt: "I have been known to make bangers and mash, both the meal and the unflushed pub toilet deposit." The Rebel: Tell me about your gang - who helps you with your music and performances and how did you all meet? Kunt: "I do all the music in my little bedroom studio and mix it down to backing tracks for live gigs. I used to have a keytar when I played live but some bloke spilt a pint on it at a gig in Exeter. It got fucked and I never bothered replacing it. I am joined by Little Kunt on a couple of songs. Little Kunt is a puppet effigy of my former parasitic twin." The Rebel: Are you ambitious - do you have a 5 year plan? Kunt: "The word ambitious always makes you sound like one of those cunts off Britain's Got Talent but I've still got loads of stuff I want to do; mainly finish writing my film and get my musical Shannon Matthews: The Musical produced. I've got stacks of ideas for new songs, just this week I've been working on a couple of songs, one inspired by bumping into an old ex-girlfriend in the supermarket, 'Remember When I Bummed You Off In The 80s' and a second one which is working on the theory that Jade Goody's partner might have wanted to break up with her and didn't know how to do it so he deliberately didn't wash his nob to give her the big 'C' of the 'c'. That one's got a working title of 'Jack Tweed's Nob Cheese'." The Rebel:If you could go back in time, What tips or advice would you give to the young teenage Kunt? Kunt: "I'd tell him not to worry, that in 15 years time he would no longer be having to whack off over a little glimpse of nipple through a turquoise lacy bra in the ladies' underwear section of the Freeman's catalogue. I'd explain all about the Internet and how in the future, you're never more than 2 clicks away from a fully naked lady pulling her privates apart, as long as you turn Google safe search off." The Rebel: Whose the nicest celebrity you've met so far? Kunt: "I met Richard Hillman, the serial killer off Coronation Street, a few years back. He seemed ok and it's testament to his acting that it came as a pleasant surprise to me when he didn't stove in my head with a shovel then dump my corpse in the foundations of one of his numerous building projects." The Rebel: Have you found it easier to attract women since you've gone into showbiz? Kunt: "I would not necessarily call being a minor internet hit singer 'showbiz', but as you ask yes, it is much easier to get noshed off than it used to be." The Rebel: I like your song about your homeless friend. Would you describe yourself as a charitable person and would your band get involved in benefit shows and Live Aid things if asked? Kunt: "Yes, I would describe myself as a charitable person, as you probably worked out from seeing the video to 'My Homeless Friend'. It's my 'Another Day in Paradise', or if you will, 'Another Another Day In Paradise'. I would be up for playing a big benefit show, not to further my career, just because I am a smashing bloke. As long as it's televised, of course." The Rebel: Tell me about life on the road. Where have you traveled and whose given you the best reception so far? Kunt: "Life on the road is not as glamorous as people may think. The shows themselves just take up a small fraction of the day. Much of your time is spent driving from one place to another listening to fucking idiots on Talksport vent their ill thought out opinions or having a lonely wank in a Travelodge." The Rebel: What's your fave Elvis Presley single? What do you think was the secret of his success? Kunt: "Suspicious Minds is Elvis at his best for me. It's a fantastic song about that doubt that creeps into a relationship, and once it's there it's very hard to go back. I wrote a song along the same kind of theme, it's called 'Whose Was That Pube?' The Rebel: Are you interested in Buddhism? Do you question everything and believe nothing and things like that? Kunt: "I haven't looked into Buddhism or any other religion at all really because I'm happy enough as I am. That said, in pub arguments the idea of questioning everything and believing nothing is probably a good idea. I don't believe anything these days unless I see it in black and white on Wikipedia." The Rebel:Who were your comedy heroes? Kunt: "Growing up I fucking loved (and still do) the Young Ones and The Comic Strip. (A bit) more recently Brass Eye takes some beating as something that properly pushed the boundaries of what you'd seen on TV. It makes me laugh literally every time I think of the Pulp parody -Blouse's 'Me Oh Myra' - or Chris Morris asking Mad Frankie Fraser how mad it makes him "reading about a pervert who interferes with da kids". The Rebel: Which are you best at - playing pool, darts, football or chess? Kunt: "Not to say I'd set the world alight at any of them but probably football, just because I play it more regularly. Last year one of the blokes at our Monday night game was convicted of grooming underage girls online. I documented the event in my song 'You Brought A Paedo Along To 5 A Side'. It lends credence to the statistic that one in 10 men who play 5 a side is a kiddie fiddler. Some of his mates on the other team were badly affected so the week after his conviction I cheered things up by crudely mocking up one of those signs you get outside building sites that boast of the safety record, and sticking it up on the wall before they arrived. It said "Pitsea Monday night 5 a side: 01 Weeks without a paedophile conviction". The Rebel: What is the best song that Kunt & The Gang have released so far? And why do you think it's the best? Kunt: "My favourite is 'Paul Stephenson's Party', off my album 'Hurry Up And Suck Me Off Before I Get Famous'. It's not really a comedy song, more the story of a party years ago in Essex which me and my mates went to where the house got properly trashed. I walked in to find a bloke stood on a chair in the hall having taken out the lightbulb and screwed in a pack of jelly cubes. As the night went on it got a lot worse, it was fucking carnage!" Kunt and the Gang's official website:

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